The Opposite of Mental Toughness and Why You Need It In 2024

Have you ever buried emotions?  Tried to be strong or told to be strong?  Doing this over and over is harming your well-being.  Here's something to embrace instead.

In 2010 I resigned from my career in federal law enforcement to marry a Marine and move overseas to Okinawa Japan. It was a shock to realize how much of my identity was wrapped up in my badge and gun and in the mental toughness that went along with being a cop.

I was constantly “at the ready” with my head on a swivel of hyper-vigilant awareness. Now before you lose your mind and click out of here because you think this is an incredible trait to possess that keeps your family safe- stick with me because I’m going to share with you some downfalls to this constant state of mental toughness and readiness for the shit to hit the fan at any moment in time.

I can remember being in Las Vegas with a group of women in 2011.  The ladies just wanted to have fun, be wild, talk to people, and feel free.

Being fresh out of my resignation, and among non-law-enforcement people in Sin City was quite a situation.

Some random scammers came up to us because we looked like targets on the streets - the scammer started sharing recommendations, telling us where to go where the best restaurants were where the clubs were where the lounges were and then demanded that we each pay $10.  

I’ll never forget this moment, because I remember saying… Absolutely not we will not pay one cent!  But the ladies that I was with were happy to pay them and were incredibly frustrated with me and my lack of candor and blurting out commands.

The scammers weren’t there to hurt us, but they were there to take our money.  

Looking back on this situation it was possible for me to adjust my delivery to match the situation. Instead of giving law-enforcement commands and blading my gun side (which I wasn’t even carrying a gun I was probably wearing some type of sequence dress) away from the scammers and giving orders to my friends, probably wasn’t the best approach, but I was doing the best that I could to keep us all the safe and prevent us from being targets.

After everybody paid the scammers, my group turned against me, and said things like- Annie can’t you just turn off cop mode we’re in Vegas for crying out loud!

I didn’t understand. There was nothing I could do to turn off my natural tendencies at that time. But now over a decade later and with so much life experience, coaching, and therapy - I hold close to the value of softening my approach while maintaining safety and awareness and ready to take action.

Notice that I’m not completely giving up the mental toughness aspect, but I am allowing the opposite to be part of my way of being.

This is one example from my own life experience and there are so many more. 

As my husband and I navigate transitioning from the Marine Corps after 23 years, I’m seeing the same type of allowing the opposite of mental toughness to enter my husband’s operational mode on the daily.

Of course, this is a skill that is developed over time but the point of this brief article is to help bring you into the space of noticing your emotions and allowing them to be present in the moment.  

Something that has helped me is not only noticing my emotions but also greeting them out loud. This would look something like… OK, I feel my heart rate elevating. I’m feeling warm and I’m starting to feel very angry about what is happening right now.

Or- OK this is really sad. And instead of pushing my sadness and grief away, I’m going to just sit here and let this tingling sensation in my nose, which usually precedes tears to just happen. I see you sadness and grief and I’m going to let you bubble up right now.

This might seem basic or strange, or out of the comfort zone for you.  But I’d like to encourage you to feel your emotions as they come up instead of pushing them aside because you’ve always been praised for your mental toughness.

Your mental toughness isn’t going anywhere. It’s deeply ingrained in your being and that’s not a bad thing.  It will continue to serve you and your family long after you transition from the military or law enforcement.

But this extra layer, this opposite of mental toughness this allowing and being a person who feels their full range of emotions, will allow you to fully live this human experience that you have been gifted in this body and on this planet at this beautiful time in space.

The mental toughness is a badge of honor to all you have experienced in your incredible service.  And the opposite of mental toughness and your ability to bring that to the surface in your everyday life is next-level stuff and will make what you once felt impossible feel completely possible for you and your family.

I look forward to hearing how this lands for you.

Our coaching and consulting group, The Lion’s Garden™️ is booking discovery calls for new clients booked at our low bono rates for early 2024.  We invite you to get on our calendar and have a conversation.

~Annie